New Years Resolution for a Developing Adult

2012. The year that I'll be celebrating my 36th birthday. And my son's 2nd birthday. And, with my recovery from health problems in full swing and all, I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to this one. So, 2012, I just might like you.

The start of a new year, of course, is also a time to look at one's life and see where a little more effort and attention might be in order (cue sappy, self-reflective blog entry in 3...2...1). In looking at my own life, it's pretty clear that I've got some work to do in the area of existential freedom. For whatever reason - whether it's been my health problems, or just the generally sucky experiences that can build up after 35 years of living - I'm finding that I've become pretty fearful of uncertainty and chaos. In fact, I'd say that I'm outright terrified of not having control over my life. And, what with the world being unpredictable and all, one can see how this might be a problem. I'm even finding that when I encounter some problem I have no ability to control - typically some big, abstract global issue, or the actions and behavior of another person - I get anxious about my inability to fix whatever wrong I'm witnessing.


But the thing is, it's all related to this delusional belief I've got that if I don't control things something really bad is going to happen to me. And I think it's a problem a lot of us adults struggle with in the modern world, perhaps even more so here in the United States, where we seem perpetually inundated with messages of terrorism, drugs, identity theft, cancer, car jacking, genocide, climate change, bird flu, gang warfare, and the apocalypse (you know, just to name a few). It's a wonder any of us get out of bed in the morning.


But, as far as my own life goes, I'm ready to loosen my grip on my need for control and safety, and to accept the limits of my power and control. This year, for me, is all about living again. Giving into chaos and uncertainty once in a while. Not trying and be perfect all of the time. Accepting that I can't control everything. Turning off the TV. Ignoring the newspaper. Letting things take their course. And allowing life to take me where it will.

To let go. To experience. To live. These are my new year's resolutions.

Mapping Out My Personal Mythology

"I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member."

-Woody Allen

One of the most important steps in my own development came when I was able to break free of fear and conformity, and give myself the right to question my Christian upbringing. It has, of course, been an avalanche of change since then. First was my realization that all of those old, magical stories like The Garden of Eden and Noah’s Ark didn’t really hold up as “true” or "historical" stories, as I had been instructed to read them. And soon after came other realizations, like the observation that people’s religious convictions are simply a matter of where they are born. A staunch fundamentalist Christian American would have the same unwavering faith in Islam or Hinduism if they were born in another part of the world. And eventually, I came to realize that my idea of a perfect and pure higher power (or energy or God or whatever you want to call it) in no way resembles the God described in the bible. I mean, what kind of almighty higher being is just sitting  around one day and says to himself: “I've got it! I think I just figured out how to cure my boredom. I’m going to create a race of imperfect creatures that have all of these destructive drives and impulses and then I’m going to send them orders not to follow those drives via two stone tablets. And to make things really entertaining, I’m going to create 1000s of different religions so that my creations  will each call me a different name and kill one another for it. And then I'll send my son down to the Middle East and see if anyone will believe him when he says he’s the son of God. And here's where it gets really good. If they don’t believe him, I’m going to send them to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity. Brilliant, if I don't say so myself.” I could go on and on, but frankly poking fun at the bible is just too easy. And besides, all of my little intellectual arguments are beside the point. The important thing is that, while the bible has been somewhat interesting and useful to me as a metaphor, it is only one small (and deeply flawed) part of this vast and complicated human engagement with the universe that has taken place since we've first been able to think abstractly about our existence. As a result, being a "Christian," or becoming a member of any other specific religion for that matter, has absolutely no use for me spiritually.

And yet, I’ve at times been so focused on my opposition to Christianity, that I haven't always taken the time to identify what it is I DO believe. But I think this blog may offer me the perfect opportunity to better develop my own personal mythology. So, to start things off, I’m just going to give a quick rundown of some things that I would like to drive my spiritual development as an adult.

• The first guiding principle of my own spiritual beliefs is that I am adamantly against the notion of faith. If we could travel back in time and visit with early man, we would find that the originators of religion had no reason for faith. Their “religious beliefs” were the best explanations that they had at the time for their reality. It would have made complete sense to them that an invisible man was controlling the weather and that pleasing him through offerings and prayer was the best way to make it rain. Since that time we have learned a bit more about the complex science of meteorology and have discovered that praying to an invisible man has absolutely no impact on whether or not it rains. So, to continue to believe that an invisible man controls the weather in the present day would require “faith” in the face of actual observed facts. And what was once an adaptive belief that would have connected early man with the reality of his surroundings at the time, is today a maladaptive belief that requires a person to reject current knowledge and reality. So, in honor of the originators of religion, there will be no “faith” in my spirituality. My spiritual beliefs will jive with present-day science as well as my own experiences. And they will also be flexible to new information.
• I would also like to avoid categorizing my mythology. The only true path I see for myself involves avoiding all of the words that are out there...Buddhist, Christian, Zoroastrian, Scientologist. Even though my own beliefs may intermittently overlap with certain traditions, I want to stay committed to this notion of developing something unique and personal.
• I do not believe in worshipping other specific individuals, be they priests, gurus, or messiahs. Buddha, Jesus, Mohamad; I see them all as people who found spiritual paths that they were personally meaningful for them during their respective time periods. And a great many of their discoveries and practices are obviously still relevant and useful today. But, ultimately, I don't believe that these messianic figures should be viewed as anything special. We can all “talk to God," meaning we all have the capacity to become enlightened, and become closer and more connected to the truth of our world.
• I would like to develop and incorporate more rituals into my life; practices that can help me better connect to nature and my family and friends.
• I would like to learn more about other religions, not so much to practice them verbatim, but to learn what the connecting matter is between them all. I believe that it will be the similarities between religions that will guide me in discovering the truly important and essential aspects of human spirituality.
• I would also like to integrate those parts of Christianity into my identity that I really appreciate. For example, I have at times found strength in the story of Jesus on the cross, forgiving those around him even as they were crucifying him for having a different perspective. For a religion that has become so conformist, there is a surprisingly empowering message for non-conformists.
• Finally, my studies in psychology, social work, and biology have offered me calming, useful, and spiritual-like instruction on how to observe and understand other people. And yet, I still really struggle with accepting and understanding why people are intent on consuming/wasting resources and destroying the planet. In fact, I have developed a real anxiety about this. Sometimes I look at a forest and, instead of enjoying the view, can think only about the fact that all of those trees will eventually be chopped down to make way for more apartment buildings and McMansions. And this is not a healthy way to live. So I would actually like to develop a more peaceful understanding of the relationship between man and the environment, one that motivates me to work to protect the future of our planet, but not become consumed by anxiety regarding man's tendency to consume and destroy. How I can do this, I'm not quite sure, but I believe this is a necessary step in my spiritual evolution, one that will allow me to better enjoy our world and the present moment.

That's about it for now. As a first step towards jump-starting some of the development mentioned above, I'll be picking up a copy or Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. Book review to come.

Living as an Individual in Community with Others

Living an adult life that is creative and true to one's self can be an anxiety provoking task in a world of conformity. Around every turn there is pressure to hold a certain view or adopt a certain lifestyle. And this pressure only seems to increase as one enters into adulthood. There is this pesky myth floating around that growing up entails outgrowing your ideals, losing your imagination, and accepting the status quo reality of someone else.

So what’s a free thinking young adult to do? Fall in line and die a slow death of the mind and soul? Or maybe just cut off relations with those who would force conformity? Well, to the rescue comes one of America's greatest dead White psychiatrists. Enter Murray Bowen.

Back in 1978 Bowen developed what just might be the blueprint for developing adults in the modern world. His observations of family dynamics over the years led him to identify the ways in which individuals are able to maintain a healthy balance of autonomy and togetherness. He called this process the "differentation of self." For those unfamiliar with the term, here's a quick rundown. 

Differentation of Self: The ideal state of emotional maturation. Individuals who have achieved a perfect differentiation of self...

• Can sustain an individual identity that is separate from others. They do not need to conform themselves to others. Nor do they need to force others to conform to themselves. 
• Can sustain relationships that are based on true intimacy, defined as a mutual appreciation of both the similarities and differences of one another.
• Make decisions based on self knowledge and reflection. Whether they choose to go along with others or act on their own, it is because they are making the choice to do so, not because they are reacting emotionally out of resentfulness, fear, or a need for acceptance.
• Can support someone else's view without having to identify with that person, and reject another's view without becoming hostile towards that person. 

Bowen was the first to admit that no one could ever achieve a perfect differentiation of self. But he also understood the importance of establishing idealized goals for the self and for society. And in a world that seems to grow in complexity and diversity with each passing day, a new model may be exactly what we all need. Because growing up isn't the same anymore. It's no longer about being indoctrinated into a tribe...nor is it about becoming some sort of impervious, self-sufficient automaton. It's become something different, something in between. On the one hand, the modern adult must have a strong sense of self, if he or she is to maintain a healthy self-esteem in the face of opposition from family, friends, and the media. And yet, the modern adult must also be able to develop real, intimate relationships with people who have vastly different experiences and perspectives. This may sound like a near impossible task, but having a model makes it a little bit easier. And, as has become my modus operandi for this blog, here's a list of some keys to developing greater differentation of self...

• First and foremost, continue to make the effort, like I am doing with this blog, to affirm my identity and develop a vision for myself apart from others.
• Do not let the criticism and opinions of others intimidate me or affect my self esteem. My actions will never really satisfy those who want to force conformity. And those people who would pressure me to be more like them are likely having their own problems differentiating.
• And, with these first two points in mind, go out and develop adult relationships that are based on mutual positive regard and acceptance. Do not see difference as a threat and conformity as the goal. Keep lines of communication open with those who have wanted to change me, just in case they one day grow up and learn to tolerate difference.

White (not) Like Me

     There are, I think, certain “categories” which are (and it pains me to say this in a blog entitled “no category) inescapable in our world. I believe, for example, that it would be irresponsible of me to ignore the influence that things like my race, my class, my gender, and my sexual orientation have had on my life. Some of my awareness in this area has come easily. For example, I have always found it empowering to think about my working class roots, and how growing up in a family that didn't have money for vacations, clothes, or toys has instilled in me a strong sense of humility, dignity, and pride. And yet, other realizations, like acknowledging my social privilege as a White person in America, has always been a bit more challenging. This makes sense. I mean, being the underdog is way cool. Identifying one's advantages and privileges? Not so much. And yet, over the years I have actually found it quite liberating to develop an appreciation of the advantages I have had as a result of my skin color. So, as a reminder to myself, here's a short list of some of these "advantages" as I've come to understand them (Note that a few of these items are taken from the article White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh).

• When engaging in a financial or legal interaction, I can feel pretty confident that being White will not work against me.
• I can turn on the television and see lots of other White people on nearly every channel.
• I can swear or lose my cool without anyone attributing my behavior to the aggressiveness of my race.
• I can drop out of school without anyone attributing it to the inferiority of my race.
• I can be incompetent at my job without coworkers thinking that I got the job because of my race.
• I can be late to work without anyone attributing it to the laziness and disorganization of my race.
• I can succeed without others labeling me as a credit to my race.
• I can dress in second-hand clothes without worrying if people will think that I am poor or homeless.
• I can speak in public without feeling any pressure that the speaking ability of my entire race is on trial.
• I can remain oblivious to the cultures and customs of people of color (who constitute a majority of the world’s population) without ever feeling inadequate for my cluelessness.
• I am a cultural insider in America. The original settlers and founding fathers looked like me. As do a vast, vast majority of congressmen, CEOs, bank executives, stock brokers, college professors, revolutionary and civil war heroes, presidents (43 out of 44), doctors, lawyers, etc. etc.
• I can be a ruthless killer and still be celebrated as the lovable star of a show like the Sopranos.
• I can celebrate the history of my ancestors in America without needing a token gesture like a special month.
• I am free to act as if race doesn’t matter. 

While this list deals specifically with my race, I am sure that I could do something very similar regarding my gender, my sexual orientation, my U.S. citizenship, my background in Christianity, and any other areas where I have received some privilege in this society. It could be an interesting exercise, but I think that this list gets to the point, which is to recognize that I am in part a product of my various social memberships, many of which provide me with privilege in the American hierarchy. And yet, I'm now left with this question, which is 'where do I go from here?' Because after a while it becomes somewhat limiting to sit around and ponder one's privilege. At some point, you have to figure out how you're going to move past all of that guilt, and use your privilege to make a positive impact on the world. So, in the spirit of moving forward, here is a list of some things that I can do, as a White person in America, to live an adult life that is both informed by my racial privilege, but also self-affirming and transcendent.

• First, never become that cliché, defensive, White male who denies the importance of race in the world. It’s unhealthy, maladaptive, and just plain unattractive.
• At the same time, never become that cliché, narrow minded White male who says that race is everything in the world. It's just as unhealthy, maladaptive, and unattractive as the first point.
• Realize that my racial and ethnic heritage is neither all good nor all bad. I know, for example, that there were individuals in my direct lineage that owned slaves (literally bought, sold, and whipped other human beings from Africa less than 150 years ago). I also know, however, that I have things in my history as a European American that are amazing, inspirational, and transcendent. The Beatles, Joseph Campbell, and Pretzles, to name a few examples. So, acknowledge the bad, celebrate the good, and never do too much of either.
• Acknowledge my power, but never relinquish it. Use it for good.
• Last, but not least. Understand that I am an individual capable of incredible transformation and growth, and that my actions can define this world far more than this world can ever define me.

Why This Blog?

Because the old molds have never worked for me: I’ve never been the sort of person who fits neatly into any of those prefabricated group identities out there. Not for a lack of effort of course. As a kid, there was the painful summer that I tried becoming a skater. And then the year that I fancied myself a painter. And of course there was that fateful summer when I tried out for the football team. By the end of it all, I had become some sort of philosophizing, literature-reading, head-banging, football playing, camp counselor. By college, I'd sort of lost any hope of cohesion, so I just kept expanding. I got into environmental and social causes, and I got into hardcore punk music, and I traveled to Spain in order to learn Spanish and drink lots of beer. Along the way, I embraced each of these aspects of myself, but never I allowed any of them to somehow define me. It's not that I don't envy those who can proudly embrace a label like Christian, or Democrat, or Accountant, or Shark, or Jet, or whatever. It definitely relieves the anxiety that comes from living with uncertainty and resisting conformity. But that option is just not in the cards for me, because the more I conform the worse I feel. The more I try to fit myself into some sort of prefabricated group identity or carbon-copy lifestyle, the more I'm left feeling empty and numb. So, with this realization comes the knowledge that being me and feeling good about myself requires work and attention. This blog, then, is to remind myself of, and affirm, all that is me. 

Because knowing thyself post-college takes work: Going to college was both a blessing and a curse. The benefits are obvious. My four (and a half) years gave me with the time and space to develop my mind, read, travel, and meet intelligent and inspiring people. But there is definitely a downside to experiencing the freedom to develop one's mind, because the real world doesn’t work quite like a college classroom. Sure, in college, professors provide you with endless readings and lectures and encourage you to develop unique and exciting ideas of your own (supported by some level of evidence of course). But out here in the real world, people don’t always take too kindly to free thinking, and evidence isn’t particularly valued. And then you have all of that pressure to conform that comes from your job, the media, and even friends and family. Ben Harper may have put it best when he said you have to "fight for your mind." This blog is about giving myself the freedom and the space to know my own mind as an adult.

Because my twenties were complicated by pain: At the age of 22, my lung collapsed spontaneously (a topic for another post), and I received a corrective lung surgery. As a result, I’ve been living with chronic pain ever since. And all of that exploration that I describe above one day just stopped. Ages 22 through 30 were pretty much defined by my awareness that something wasn’t quite right with my body. I had trouble breathing, and was tired all of the time, and I developed severe anxiety and depression. I must have just believed that the pain was inevitable after having experienced a life-threatening injury and having been cut open by doctors, because I chose to ignore it rather than address it. It wasn’t until it became unbearable a few years ago that I actually went to see some doctors and learned that my entire torso had become twisted from years of improper breathing, poor posture, and existential anxiety. In the years since, I’ve become fanatically devoted to improving my health. And now that I’m actually feeling better, and my head is becoming clear, it's time to clean out the closet, so to speak.

Because I’m still stuck in my youth: I don’t consider myself an adult yet (and I use the world “adult” here in the positive sense to mean reaching maturity through successfully passing through earlier developmental stages). I haven’t completely let go of my younger years, and in fact I sometimes idealize them. And consequently, I also haven’t completely embraced adulthood. This blog is partly about letting go of past, and living in the present reality. 

Because adulthood can really suck: Something weird happens to people as they get older. They get mean. And they get fearful, and paranoid, and distrustful, and hateful. (note: I’m including myself as one of those people). And it’s all related to how people feel on the inside. This blog is about feeling better on the inside and escaping the negativity trap of adulthood.