2012. The year that I'll be celebrating my 36th birthday. And my son's 2nd birthday. And, with my recovery from health problems in full swing and all, I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to this one. So, 2012, I just might like you.
The start of a new year, of course, is also a time to look at one's life and see where a little more effort and attention might be in order (cue sappy, self-reflective blog entry in 3...2...1). In looking at my own life, it's pretty clear that I've got some work to do in the area of existential freedom. For whatever reason - whether it's been my health problems, or just the generally sucky experiences that can build up after 35 years of living - I'm finding that I've become pretty fearful of uncertainty and chaos. In fact, I'd say that I'm outright terrified of not having control over my life. And, what with the world being unpredictable and all, one can see how this might be a problem. I'm even finding that when I encounter some problem I have no ability to control - typically some big, abstract global issue, or the actions and behavior of another person - I get anxious about my inability to fix whatever wrong I'm witnessing.
But the thing is, it's all related to this delusional belief I've got that if I don't control things something really bad is going to happen to me. And I think it's a problem a lot of us adults struggle with in the modern world, perhaps even more so here in the United States, where we seem perpetually inundated with messages of terrorism, drugs, identity theft, cancer, car jacking, genocide, climate change, bird flu, gang warfare, and the apocalypse (you know, just to name a few). It's a wonder any of us get out of bed in the morning.
But, as far as my own life goes, I'm ready to loosen my grip on my need for control and safety, and to accept the limits of my power and control. This year, for me, is all about living again. Giving into chaos and uncertainty once in a while. Not trying and be perfect all of the time. Accepting that I can't control everything. Turning off the TV. Ignoring the newspaper. Letting things take their course. And allowing life to take me where it will.
But the thing is, it's all related to this delusional belief I've got that if I don't control things something really bad is going to happen to me. And I think it's a problem a lot of us adults struggle with in the modern world, perhaps even more so here in the United States, where we seem perpetually inundated with messages of terrorism, drugs, identity theft, cancer, car jacking, genocide, climate change, bird flu, gang warfare, and the apocalypse (you know, just to name a few). It's a wonder any of us get out of bed in the morning.
But, as far as my own life goes, I'm ready to loosen my grip on my need for control and safety, and to accept the limits of my power and control. This year, for me, is all about living again. Giving into chaos and uncertainty once in a while. Not trying and be perfect all of the time. Accepting that I can't control everything. Turning off the TV. Ignoring the newspaper. Letting things take their course. And allowing life to take me where it will.
To let go. To experience. To live. These are my new year's resolutions.
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