In Memorium: The 1990s

Of the four decades for which I’ve been old enough to experience, the 90s are definitely my most beloved. It was a great decade to live out my formative years. That beautifully optimistic time sandwiched between the end of the Cold War and the start of the War on Terror. Our president played the sax, jeans were baggier than they’d ever been in the history of man, and a show about nothing was the most popular sitcom on TV. Life seemed a bit simpler. There were no 24-hour cable news channels filling up the airwaves with whatever drivel remotely passes for news these days. No worries about how connected you were or how many bars you were getting. But enough sounding like a crotchety old man. Without further ado, here’s my tribute to some of my favorite things about the 90s...

1. The Discman

Man, I had this exact make and model, and I used to take it everywhere with me (along with at least 5-10 CDs). There’s something very nostalgic about those objects from our past that have since been replaced by more convenient, but less quirky, alternatives.  IPods, I’m looking at you. Back in the day you had a little more incentive to actually listen to a record the whole way through, since changing CDs required a minor acrobatic display of the fingers. And life was a bit more fun as a result.

2. The Thriller Genre

I love the suspense/thriller film genre, and the 90s had some of the best (or worst depending on how you look at it) ever made. My favorite thing about 90s thrillers is that they always had a very important message for audiences. Here is a list of some of my favorites 90s thrillers, along with their respective messages.

• Fear Your daughter’s boyfriend is a psycho. And I don’t mean figuratively. He is an actual psychopath, and he will kill you.
• Single White Female Never look for a roommate in the classifieds. You might die, literally.
• The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Beware your nanny. She might sleep with your husband and then try to kill everyone.
• Cape Fear Don’t become a defense attorney. Any of your clients who get convicted will find you, and kill you.
• The Game Don’t ever trust anyone who recommends to you a “game” that will change your life. Playing any such game will most likely kill you.
• Basic Instinct Women are evil.
• Disclosure Professional women are even more evil.

3. Golden Eye 007

Wow. Remember when video games weren’t 3D? Well, this was one of the first really, really good 3-D games to appear on a home console. I wasn’t big into video games in the 90s, but this one I just couldn’t put down. 

4. Film Cameras

Things were generally more tactile in the 90s. A photograph was a real thing, and if you lost it chances were it was gone forever. As great as digital cameras are, they have definitely removed some of the drama from photography. Especially all of that anticipation and excitement you used to feel while waiting for your pictures to get developed.

5. Rockstars

Some people have said that Kurt Cobain was the last real rockstar, and I might be inclined to agree. Today, the mainstream music scene is populated with mostly hip-hop, dance, and R&B, and the underground rock scene is so completely saturated with genres and sub-genres that finding a good band requires a research degree. As a result, there aren’t many big rock bands around that everyone knows about. Radiohead and Coldplay may be two exceptions. In any case, here are some of the rockstars of the 90s who were unaware they were a dying breed.

The Super Rockstars

• Kurt Cobain
• Eddie Vedder
• Axl Rose
• Bono
• Steven Tyler
• Marilyn Manson
• Chris Cornell

 Other Rockstars from the 90s

• James Hetfield
• Billy Corgan
• Scott Wieland
• Layne Staley
• Trent Reznor
• Zach De La Rocha
• Anthony Keidis

6. Videos on MTV

Not much to be said here. It is called Music Television after all. Here’s one of my favorite music videos of all time.

7. The Real World New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco

Well, okay, so maybe I'm being a little hypocritical here - I mean this show was the beginning of the end for actual music on MTV - but I did watch the first 3 seasons of the Real World and it was a genuinely enlightening and challenging experience. When the show began, cast members were real, live adults with actual lives and jobs outside of the show. And the show managed to capture some very intimate conflicts related to race, sexual orientation, AIDS, and other important issues. I caught a glimpse of the show recently, which is in it’s like twentieth season, and was dismayed to learn that it had basically devolved into a Spring Break-type show.

8. No Internet

It's hard to even imagine it these days, but there was a time long ago when you had to travel to the cd store to find out about new music and you were required to open one of those gigantic yellow books to find a phone number. There was something nice about having more time to process less information. I think that all of our brains may be suffering in this age of unlimited information.

9. No Cell Phones

I actually used to have a minimum of 10 phone numbers memorized in my head at any one time. And when I was out of the house, I was actually out of the house. No way to get in touch with me. It actually sounds kind of nice these days.

10. Generation X

The generation that proliferated grunge, gangsta rap, and the internet first started getting attention in the 90s. While often pegged as lazy and unmotivated, I would argue that, in the face of society's material excess and irresponsible treatment of the environment, Generation X was quite deliberately seeking out alternative values and lifestyles. And in observing how deftly my peers are incorporating environmentalism, compassion, and a sense of community into their work, their parenting, and their relationships, I'd say we've done a pretty good job at doing just that.

Mapping Out My Personal Mythology

"I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member."

-Woody Allen

One of the most important steps in my own development came when I was able to break free of fear and conformity, and give myself the right to question my Christian upbringing. It has, of course, been an avalanche of change since then. First was my realization that all of those old, magical stories like The Garden of Eden and Noah’s Ark didn’t really hold up as “true” or "historical" stories, as I had been instructed to read them. And soon after came other realizations, like the observation that people’s religious convictions are simply a matter of where they are born. A staunch fundamentalist Christian American would have the same unwavering faith in Islam or Hinduism if they were born in another part of the world. And eventually, I came to realize that my idea of a perfect and pure higher power (or energy or God or whatever you want to call it) in no way resembles the God described in the bible. I mean, what kind of almighty higher being is just sitting  around one day and says to himself: “I've got it! I think I just figured out how to cure my boredom. I’m going to create a race of imperfect creatures that have all of these destructive drives and impulses and then I’m going to send them orders not to follow those drives via two stone tablets. And to make things really entertaining, I’m going to create 1000s of different religions so that my creations  will each call me a different name and kill one another for it. And then I'll send my son down to the Middle East and see if anyone will believe him when he says he’s the son of God. And here's where it gets really good. If they don’t believe him, I’m going to send them to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity. Brilliant, if I don't say so myself.” I could go on and on, but frankly poking fun at the bible is just too easy. And besides, all of my little intellectual arguments are beside the point. The important thing is that, while the bible has been somewhat interesting and useful to me as a metaphor, it is only one small (and deeply flawed) part of this vast and complicated human engagement with the universe that has taken place since we've first been able to think abstractly about our existence. As a result, being a "Christian," or becoming a member of any other specific religion for that matter, has absolutely no use for me spiritually.

And yet, I’ve at times been so focused on my opposition to Christianity, that I haven't always taken the time to identify what it is I DO believe. But I think this blog may offer me the perfect opportunity to better develop my own personal mythology. So, to start things off, I’m just going to give a quick rundown of some things that I would like to drive my spiritual development as an adult.

• The first guiding principle of my own spiritual beliefs is that I am adamantly against the notion of faith. If we could travel back in time and visit with early man, we would find that the originators of religion had no reason for faith. Their “religious beliefs” were the best explanations that they had at the time for their reality. It would have made complete sense to them that an invisible man was controlling the weather and that pleasing him through offerings and prayer was the best way to make it rain. Since that time we have learned a bit more about the complex science of meteorology and have discovered that praying to an invisible man has absolutely no impact on whether or not it rains. So, to continue to believe that an invisible man controls the weather in the present day would require “faith” in the face of actual observed facts. And what was once an adaptive belief that would have connected early man with the reality of his surroundings at the time, is today a maladaptive belief that requires a person to reject current knowledge and reality. So, in honor of the originators of religion, there will be no “faith” in my spirituality. My spiritual beliefs will jive with present-day science as well as my own experiences. And they will also be flexible to new information.
• I would also like to avoid categorizing my mythology. The only true path I see for myself involves avoiding all of the words that are out there...Buddhist, Christian, Zoroastrian, Scientologist. Even though my own beliefs may intermittently overlap with certain traditions, I want to stay committed to this notion of developing something unique and personal.
• I do not believe in worshipping other specific individuals, be they priests, gurus, or messiahs. Buddha, Jesus, Mohamad; I see them all as people who found spiritual paths that they were personally meaningful for them during their respective time periods. And a great many of their discoveries and practices are obviously still relevant and useful today. But, ultimately, I don't believe that these messianic figures should be viewed as anything special. We can all “talk to God," meaning we all have the capacity to become enlightened, and become closer and more connected to the truth of our world.
• I would like to develop and incorporate more rituals into my life; practices that can help me better connect to nature and my family and friends.
• I would like to learn more about other religions, not so much to practice them verbatim, but to learn what the connecting matter is between them all. I believe that it will be the similarities between religions that will guide me in discovering the truly important and essential aspects of human spirituality.
• I would also like to integrate those parts of Christianity into my identity that I really appreciate. For example, I have at times found strength in the story of Jesus on the cross, forgiving those around him even as they were crucifying him for having a different perspective. For a religion that has become so conformist, there is a surprisingly empowering message for non-conformists.
• Finally, my studies in psychology, social work, and biology have offered me calming, useful, and spiritual-like instruction on how to observe and understand other people. And yet, I still really struggle with accepting and understanding why people are intent on consuming/wasting resources and destroying the planet. In fact, I have developed a real anxiety about this. Sometimes I look at a forest and, instead of enjoying the view, can think only about the fact that all of those trees will eventually be chopped down to make way for more apartment buildings and McMansions. And this is not a healthy way to live. So I would actually like to develop a more peaceful understanding of the relationship between man and the environment, one that motivates me to work to protect the future of our planet, but not become consumed by anxiety regarding man's tendency to consume and destroy. How I can do this, I'm not quite sure, but I believe this is a necessary step in my spiritual evolution, one that will allow me to better enjoy our world and the present moment.

That's about it for now. As a first step towards jump-starting some of the development mentioned above, I'll be picking up a copy or Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. Book review to come.

Living as an Individual in Community with Others

Living an adult life that is creative and true to one's self can be an anxiety provoking task in a world of conformity. Around every turn there is pressure to hold a certain view or adopt a certain lifestyle. And this pressure only seems to increase as one enters into adulthood. There is this pesky myth floating around that growing up entails outgrowing your ideals, losing your imagination, and accepting the status quo reality of someone else.

So what’s a free thinking young adult to do? Fall in line and die a slow death of the mind and soul? Or maybe just cut off relations with those who would force conformity? Well, to the rescue comes one of America's greatest dead White psychiatrists. Enter Murray Bowen.

Back in 1978 Bowen developed what just might be the blueprint for developing adults in the modern world. His observations of family dynamics over the years led him to identify the ways in which individuals are able to maintain a healthy balance of autonomy and togetherness. He called this process the "differentation of self." For those unfamiliar with the term, here's a quick rundown. 

Differentation of Self: The ideal state of emotional maturation. Individuals who have achieved a perfect differentiation of self...

• Can sustain an individual identity that is separate from others. They do not need to conform themselves to others. Nor do they need to force others to conform to themselves. 
• Can sustain relationships that are based on true intimacy, defined as a mutual appreciation of both the similarities and differences of one another.
• Make decisions based on self knowledge and reflection. Whether they choose to go along with others or act on their own, it is because they are making the choice to do so, not because they are reacting emotionally out of resentfulness, fear, or a need for acceptance.
• Can support someone else's view without having to identify with that person, and reject another's view without becoming hostile towards that person. 

Bowen was the first to admit that no one could ever achieve a perfect differentiation of self. But he also understood the importance of establishing idealized goals for the self and for society. And in a world that seems to grow in complexity and diversity with each passing day, a new model may be exactly what we all need. Because growing up isn't the same anymore. It's no longer about being indoctrinated into a tribe...nor is it about becoming some sort of impervious, self-sufficient automaton. It's become something different, something in between. On the one hand, the modern adult must have a strong sense of self, if he or she is to maintain a healthy self-esteem in the face of opposition from family, friends, and the media. And yet, the modern adult must also be able to develop real, intimate relationships with people who have vastly different experiences and perspectives. This may sound like a near impossible task, but having a model makes it a little bit easier. And, as has become my modus operandi for this blog, here's a list of some keys to developing greater differentation of self...

• First and foremost, continue to make the effort, like I am doing with this blog, to affirm my identity and develop a vision for myself apart from others.
• Do not let the criticism and opinions of others intimidate me or affect my self esteem. My actions will never really satisfy those who want to force conformity. And those people who would pressure me to be more like them are likely having their own problems differentiating.
• And, with these first two points in mind, go out and develop adult relationships that are based on mutual positive regard and acceptance. Do not see difference as a threat and conformity as the goal. Keep lines of communication open with those who have wanted to change me, just in case they one day grow up and learn to tolerate difference.

5 Films for the Developing Adult

without art, the tedious details of life can overwhelm...

1. waking life

 

 

2. synecdoche, new york

3. the fountain

4. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

5. before sunrise

Malcolm X

As a footnote to my last post, I wanted to add the following link to a clip of A.O. Scott discussing the movie Malcolm X. Watching the film Malcolm X as a young college student might have been the single most important event in my developing an understanding of race in America. Even more so because it wasn’t something I did as a class assignment. It was something I did with a bunch of Black kids from Philly who lived in my dorm. As a White kid from the country, this was a pretty epic and earth-shattering interaction (and Spoon, wherever you are, thanks!) I also find it kind of poetic that this movie had such a profound impact on me, because Malcolm X was an individual who himself was remarkably open to change. If you haven't seen the movie, definitely check it out, if only to see Denzel Washington in one of the great Hollywood performances of my lifetime.

White (not) Like Me

     There are, I think, certain “categories” which are (and it pains me to say this in a blog entitled “no category) inescapable in our world. I believe, for example, that it would be irresponsible of me to ignore the influence that things like my race, my class, my gender, and my sexual orientation have had on my life. Some of my awareness in this area has come easily. For example, I have always found it empowering to think about my working class roots, and how growing up in a family that didn't have money for vacations, clothes, or toys has instilled in me a strong sense of humility, dignity, and pride. And yet, other realizations, like acknowledging my social privilege as a White person in America, has always been a bit more challenging. This makes sense. I mean, being the underdog is way cool. Identifying one's advantages and privileges? Not so much. And yet, over the years I have actually found it quite liberating to develop an appreciation of the advantages I have had as a result of my skin color. So, as a reminder to myself, here's a short list of some of these "advantages" as I've come to understand them (Note that a few of these items are taken from the article White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh).

• When engaging in a financial or legal interaction, I can feel pretty confident that being White will not work against me.
• I can turn on the television and see lots of other White people on nearly every channel.
• I can swear or lose my cool without anyone attributing my behavior to the aggressiveness of my race.
• I can drop out of school without anyone attributing it to the inferiority of my race.
• I can be incompetent at my job without coworkers thinking that I got the job because of my race.
• I can be late to work without anyone attributing it to the laziness and disorganization of my race.
• I can succeed without others labeling me as a credit to my race.
• I can dress in second-hand clothes without worrying if people will think that I am poor or homeless.
• I can speak in public without feeling any pressure that the speaking ability of my entire race is on trial.
• I can remain oblivious to the cultures and customs of people of color (who constitute a majority of the world’s population) without ever feeling inadequate for my cluelessness.
• I am a cultural insider in America. The original settlers and founding fathers looked like me. As do a vast, vast majority of congressmen, CEOs, bank executives, stock brokers, college professors, revolutionary and civil war heroes, presidents (43 out of 44), doctors, lawyers, etc. etc.
• I can be a ruthless killer and still be celebrated as the lovable star of a show like the Sopranos.
• I can celebrate the history of my ancestors in America without needing a token gesture like a special month.
• I am free to act as if race doesn’t matter. 

While this list deals specifically with my race, I am sure that I could do something very similar regarding my gender, my sexual orientation, my U.S. citizenship, my background in Christianity, and any other areas where I have received some privilege in this society. It could be an interesting exercise, but I think that this list gets to the point, which is to recognize that I am in part a product of my various social memberships, many of which provide me with privilege in the American hierarchy. And yet, I'm now left with this question, which is 'where do I go from here?' Because after a while it becomes somewhat limiting to sit around and ponder one's privilege. At some point, you have to figure out how you're going to move past all of that guilt, and use your privilege to make a positive impact on the world. So, in the spirit of moving forward, here is a list of some things that I can do, as a White person in America, to live an adult life that is both informed by my racial privilege, but also self-affirming and transcendent.

• First, never become that cliché, defensive, White male who denies the importance of race in the world. It’s unhealthy, maladaptive, and just plain unattractive.
• At the same time, never become that cliché, narrow minded White male who says that race is everything in the world. It's just as unhealthy, maladaptive, and unattractive as the first point.
• Realize that my racial and ethnic heritage is neither all good nor all bad. I know, for example, that there were individuals in my direct lineage that owned slaves (literally bought, sold, and whipped other human beings from Africa less than 150 years ago). I also know, however, that I have things in my history as a European American that are amazing, inspirational, and transcendent. The Beatles, Joseph Campbell, and Pretzles, to name a few examples. So, acknowledge the bad, celebrate the good, and never do too much of either.
• Acknowledge my power, but never relinquish it. Use it for good.
• Last, but not least. Understand that I am an individual capable of incredible transformation and growth, and that my actions can define this world far more than this world can ever define me.