"We are all sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins, for life."
-Tennessee WilliamsIsolation
What is it?
As social beings, we long to connect with one another. And yet we are each in different worlds in a sense, trapped in our own heads. Essentially, we each experience the world a little bit differently. It can be hard enough to learn to relate to others in one's own family, but throw in the diversity of the modern world (of culture, of ethnicity, of religion, of socio-economic status) and the gap between individual experiences widens even further. Developing a healthy acceptance of and response to our isolation, then, is essential to our ability to connect with others, especially in this increasingly complicated world.
As social beings, we long to connect with one another. And yet we are each in different worlds in a sense, trapped in our own heads. Essentially, we each experience the world a little bit differently. It can be hard enough to learn to relate to others in one's own family, but throw in the diversity of the modern world (of culture, of ethnicity, of religion, of socio-economic status) and the gap between individual experiences widens even further. Developing a healthy acceptance of and response to our isolation, then, is essential to our ability to connect with others, especially in this increasingly complicated world.
What are the challenges?
- To resist our human urge to form codependent "fused" relationships based on clinginess and conformity, as these only create the illusion of closeness.
- To resist our human urge to cutoff from others when we are having difficulty forming connections, as this will only increase our isolation.
- To learn to develop healthy relationships based on true intimacy, defined as a mutual appreciation of each others' similarities AND differences.
- To learn to express ourselves clearly in a way that bridges the isolation gap and fosters connections with others.
- To develop a capacity for empathy by learning to listen to what others are saying, not just what we want to hear.
What does adult development in the area of isolation look like?
The graph below is a depiction of adult development in the area of isolation. The red areas indicate unhealthy development while the green area in the middle represents the ideal state of development. Note: The terminology below comes from the work of Murray Bowen.
The graph below is a depiction of adult development in the area of isolation. The red areas indicate unhealthy development while the green area in the middle represents the ideal state of development. Note: The terminology below comes from the work of Murray Bowen.
Isolation
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Fused Differentiated Cutoff
Fused: On one end of the spectrum, we deal with isolation by forming unrealistically close relationships with others, characterized by pressure to be the same in all ways. These are called fused relationships, and when we rely on them we fail to develop the ability to appreciate others as individuals, and we fail to develop a healthy understanding of who we are as individuals.
Cutoff: On the other end of the spectrum, we deal with our relational difficulties by cutting off from others, and turning inwards. We fail to develop the skills needed to form connections with others in this world of human diversity.
Differentiated: The ideal relationship with the isolation of human life. Individuals who achieve a differentiated self can sustain relationships based on true intimacy, defined as mutual appreciation of each others' similarities AND differences. Differentiated individuals can sustain an individual identity that is separate from others. They do not need to conform themselves to others nor do they need others to conform to them. Whether they choose to go along with others or act on their own, it is because they are making the choice to do so, not because they are reacting emotionally out of resentfulness, fear, or a need for acceptance.
