"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
-Woody Allen
Death
What is it?
As adults we must resolve ourselves to understanding that pain and death are essential parts of life. When we fail to accept the existence of death and pain in a way that is satisfactory to our own thinking, we are unable to process tragedy and loss. We get stuck with questions like "why do bad things happen to good people?" and "why me?" We also fail to develop the emotional depth needed to connect with others who are experiencing difficulties in life. Too much of a focus on death and the darker side of life, meanwhile, can lead one to develop a rather dismal outlook. Finding the right balance is a major developmental challenge of adulthood.
What are the challenges?
- To accept that pain, death, and loss are all parts of life.
- To develop a philosophy on these negative aspects of existence that helps one satisfactorily deal with them when they occur.
- To learn to accept change as a constant in this world (I include this under death because fear of change is intri related to a fear of death and loss).
- To affirm and celebrate life, even while maintaining an awareness of its difficulties.
What does adult development in relation to death look like?
The graph below is a depiction of adult development in the area of death. The red areas indicate unhealthy development while the green area in the middle represents the ideal state of development.
Death
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Preoccupation Integration Denial
Preoccupation: On one end of the spectrum, we are flooded with thoughts about death and the accompanying darkness in life; pain, suffering, loss, change. Our preoccupation with this darkness prevents us from actually experiencing life, and enjoying the lighter side of things.
Denial: On this end of the spectrum, we are so defended against the darker realities of life, that we fail to develop a satisfactory understanding of their existence. We become overwhelmed whenever we are confronted with loss, pain, death; things that we will encounter with increasing frequency as we age.
Integration: An ideal relationship with death, loss, and pain. We are able to integrate an awareness of the inevitability of life's negative aspects in a way that supports healthy adult functioning and affirms life.
