Releasing my inner Bruce Willis

Stephen King once said that “Demons are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win.” With my current attention being focused on this blog, I can’t help but think about this quote through the lens of identity formation. It seems to me that our "demons" are those past selves from whom we are trying to run, and our "ghosts" are those past selves whom we won't let go of. While not much of a problem anymore, there was definitely a period of time when "my college self" had become something of a ghost in my life. Even after I had moved on with my life - to other cities and jobs and friends - there was this person I had been, and this life I had lived, in State College, Pennsylvania that I found difficult to leave in the past.

Looking back, I can see why this past self came to haunt me over the years. My college years were a genuinely great time in my life. There was a brief period of time, probably my last 2 1/2 years of college, when I had honed the nearly perfect, Van Wilderesque college life. I was enjoying my studies in Comparative Literature and Spanish, and had gotten involved in some worthy causes like Habitat for Humanity. I spent a semester in Salamanca, Spain, and during my summers off, worked as a counselor at a sleepover camp. I had fulfilling friendships with people from all over the world. And of course, I met my future wife and best friend. Throughout these years, I experienced a feeling of community, acceptance, and living in the moment more than any other time in my life (‘living in the moment,’ I might add, could also be defined as being free from ghosts and demons). But, as some annoyingly accurate person once stated, all good things must some day come to an end. And in the lives I have come to live since college - as a husband, a social worker, a Philadelphian, a New Yorker, a Portlander, a father - I have endured many ups and downs, and that whole "living in the moment" thing no longer comes as naturally as it once did. As a result, it’s been hard to not look back on occasion and wonder if I there was something I may have had figured out back when I was in college.

Thankfully, I have managed to see my old college days a bit more realistically over the years. And the truth is that, while college may have provided me with the freedom to find myself on a very basic and idealistic level (a gift for which I will always be thankful), it was also a safe and protective place. If I was ever going to function in the complex world outside of State College, I would have to evolve from my simple college self. And evolving would require some painful lessons and some uncomfortable self-realizations. And it was also going to create some anxiety and depression in my life. But, now that I'm coming to know myself as an adult, I'm finding that all of this pain has been worth it. Because I have greater capacities for empathy, and intimacy, and complex thought than I ever had in college. And, through pain and struggle, I've become a better father and husband and son and human being.

And yet, even after all these years, I still have this sinking suspicion that the ghost of my college self still haunts my life. So what’s a guy to do? Well, thanks to M. Night Shyamalan, I actually have the answer to that one. I must first bring it to the ghost’s attention that he actually died some time ago. And I must then help him with any unfinished business. Okay, well, here goes nothing…

Dear College Mike,

We had some great times back in the day but, in case you haven't noticed the lack of ivy-clad buildings and frat houses, I guess I should let you know that college came to an end some time ago. But still, you seem always to be there, over my shoulder, reminding me of a time when life was easier and when I was, maybe, a better person. And the fact of the matter is that, yes, college was, and always will be, one of the best times of my life. And you were definitely more confident and idealistic and pure than the adult me. But here's the thing. While those were all great qualities to have at that time in my life, you also had some serious limitations. You hadn't faced adversity, you didn't know yourself, you were overly accommodating and, underneath it all, you were scared. The fact of the matter is that I couldn't have stayed in the safe confines of State College forever. And expanding my world was going to require change. I was going to have to become more self-aware, introspective, and less certain. And that was unfortunately going to mean becoming less confident and less idealistic. In a word, less innocent. 

The real problem, though is this imaginary divide I've created in my lifespan. My lung collapsed not too long after college, and ever since that moment, it has felt like there were two me's. That naive and happy optimist, and this informed, anxious realist. And it's this belief that you are some sort of irretrievable past self that has made you become this external ghost in my life, rather than an integrated part of who I am. The truth of the matter is that my life has always been a continuous line, and you've always been a part of who I am. So, college Mike, I'm formally welcoming you back into this body. You and the new me have a lot to learn from one another. And I have a feeling the best Mike is yet to come. Because optimism and confidence, when mixed with knowledge and experience, can make for an incredibly deep adulthood.

So welcome back. You've been missed.

Much Love,

Your Adult Self