Because the old molds have never worked for me: I’ve never been the sort of person who fits neatly into any of those prefabricated group identities out there. Not for a lack of effort of course. As a kid, there was the painful summer that I tried becoming a skater. And then the year that I fancied myself a painter. And of course there was that fateful summer when I tried out for the football team. By the end of it all, I had become some sort of philosophizing, literature-reading, head-banging, football playing, camp counselor. By college, I'd sort of lost any hope of cohesion, so I just kept expanding. I got into environmental and social causes, and I got into hardcore punk music, and I traveled to Spain in order to learn Spanish and drink lots of beer. Along the way, I embraced each of these aspects of myself, but never I allowed any of them to somehow define me. It's not that I don't envy those who can proudly embrace a label like Christian, or Democrat, or Accountant, or Shark, or Jet, or whatever. It definitely relieves the anxiety that comes from living with uncertainty and resisting conformity. But that option is just not in the cards for me, because the more I conform the worse I feel. The more I try to fit myself into some sort of prefabricated group identity or carbon-copy lifestyle, the more I'm left feeling empty and numb. So, with this realization comes the knowledge that being me and feeling good about myself requires work and attention. This blog, then, is to remind myself of, and affirm, all that is me.
Because knowing thyself post-college takes work: Going to college was both a blessing and a curse. The benefits are obvious. My four (and a half) years gave me with the time and space to develop my mind, read, travel, and meet intelligent and inspiring people. But there is definitely a downside to experiencing the freedom to develop one's mind, because the real world doesn’t work quite like a college classroom. Sure, in college, professors provide you with endless readings and lectures and encourage you to develop unique and exciting ideas of your own (supported by some level of evidence of course). But out here in the real world, people don’t always take too kindly to free thinking, and evidence isn’t particularly valued. And then you have all of that pressure to conform that comes from your job, the media, and even friends and family. Ben Harper may have put it best when he said you have to "fight for your mind." This blog is about giving myself the freedom and the space to know my own mind as an adult.
Because my twenties were complicated by pain: At the age of 22, my lung collapsed spontaneously (a topic for another post), and I received a corrective lung surgery. As a result, I’ve been living with chronic pain ever since. And all of that exploration that I describe above one day just stopped. Ages 22 through 30 were pretty much defined by my awareness that something wasn’t quite right with my body. I had trouble breathing, and was tired all of the time, and I developed severe anxiety and depression. I must have just believed that the pain was inevitable after having experienced a life-threatening injury and having been cut open by doctors, because I chose to ignore it rather than address it. It wasn’t until it became unbearable a few years ago that I actually went to see some doctors and learned that my entire torso had become twisted from years of improper breathing, poor posture, and existential anxiety. In the years since, I’ve become fanatically devoted to improving my health. And now that I’m actually feeling better, and my head is becoming clear, it's time to clean out the closet, so to speak.
Because I’m still stuck in my youth: I don’t consider myself an adult yet (and I use the world “adult” here in the positive sense to mean reaching maturity through successfully passing through earlier developmental stages). I haven’t completely let go of my younger years, and in fact I sometimes idealize them. And consequently, I also haven’t completely embraced adulthood. This blog is partly about letting go of past, and living in the present reality.
Because adulthood can really suck: Something weird happens to people as they get older. They get mean. And they get fearful, and paranoid, and distrustful, and hateful. (note: I’m including myself as one of those people). And it’s all related to how people feel on the inside. This blog is about feeling better on the inside and escaping the negativity trap of adulthood.
Because knowing thyself post-college takes work: Going to college was both a blessing and a curse. The benefits are obvious. My four (and a half) years gave me with the time and space to develop my mind, read, travel, and meet intelligent and inspiring people. But there is definitely a downside to experiencing the freedom to develop one's mind, because the real world doesn’t work quite like a college classroom. Sure, in college, professors provide you with endless readings and lectures and encourage you to develop unique and exciting ideas of your own (supported by some level of evidence of course). But out here in the real world, people don’t always take too kindly to free thinking, and evidence isn’t particularly valued. And then you have all of that pressure to conform that comes from your job, the media, and even friends and family. Ben Harper may have put it best when he said you have to "fight for your mind." This blog is about giving myself the freedom and the space to know my own mind as an adult.
Because my twenties were complicated by pain: At the age of 22, my lung collapsed spontaneously (a topic for another post), and I received a corrective lung surgery. As a result, I’ve been living with chronic pain ever since. And all of that exploration that I describe above one day just stopped. Ages 22 through 30 were pretty much defined by my awareness that something wasn’t quite right with my body. I had trouble breathing, and was tired all of the time, and I developed severe anxiety and depression. I must have just believed that the pain was inevitable after having experienced a life-threatening injury and having been cut open by doctors, because I chose to ignore it rather than address it. It wasn’t until it became unbearable a few years ago that I actually went to see some doctors and learned that my entire torso had become twisted from years of improper breathing, poor posture, and existential anxiety. In the years since, I’ve become fanatically devoted to improving my health. And now that I’m actually feeling better, and my head is becoming clear, it's time to clean out the closet, so to speak.
Because I’m still stuck in my youth: I don’t consider myself an adult yet (and I use the world “adult” here in the positive sense to mean reaching maturity through successfully passing through earlier developmental stages). I haven’t completely let go of my younger years, and in fact I sometimes idealize them. And consequently, I also haven’t completely embraced adulthood. This blog is partly about letting go of past, and living in the present reality.
Because adulthood can really suck: Something weird happens to people as they get older. They get mean. And they get fearful, and paranoid, and distrustful, and hateful. (note: I’m including myself as one of those people). And it’s all related to how people feel on the inside. This blog is about feeling better on the inside and escaping the negativity trap of adulthood.
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