Releasing my inner Bruce Willis

Stephen King once said that “Demons are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win.” With my current attention being focused on this blog, I can’t help but think about this quote through the lens of identity formation. It seems to me that our "demons" are those past selves from whom we are trying to run, and our "ghosts" are those past selves whom we won't let go of. While not much of a problem anymore, there was definitely a period of time when "my college self" had become something of a ghost in my life. Even after I had moved on with my life - to other cities and jobs and friends - there was this person I had been, and this life I had lived, in State College, Pennsylvania that I found difficult to leave in the past.

Looking back, I can see why this past self came to haunt me over the years. My college years were a genuinely great time in my life. There was a brief period of time, probably my last 2 1/2 years of college, when I had honed the nearly perfect, Van Wilderesque college life. I was enjoying my studies in Comparative Literature and Spanish, and had gotten involved in some worthy causes like Habitat for Humanity. I spent a semester in Salamanca, Spain, and during my summers off, worked as a counselor at a sleepover camp. I had fulfilling friendships with people from all over the world. And of course, I met my future wife and best friend. Throughout these years, I experienced a feeling of community, acceptance, and living in the moment more than any other time in my life (‘living in the moment,’ I might add, could also be defined as being free from ghosts and demons). But, as some annoyingly accurate person once stated, all good things must some day come to an end. And in the lives I have come to live since college - as a husband, a social worker, a Philadelphian, a New Yorker, a Portlander, a father - I have endured many ups and downs, and that whole "living in the moment" thing no longer comes as naturally as it once did. As a result, it’s been hard to not look back on occasion and wonder if I there was something I may have had figured out back when I was in college.

Thankfully, I have managed to see my old college days a bit more realistically over the years. And the truth is that, while college may have provided me with the freedom to find myself on a very basic and idealistic level (a gift for which I will always be thankful), it was also a safe and protective place. If I was ever going to function in the complex world outside of State College, I would have to evolve from my simple college self. And evolving would require some painful lessons and some uncomfortable self-realizations. And it was also going to create some anxiety and depression in my life. But, now that I'm coming to know myself as an adult, I'm finding that all of this pain has been worth it. Because I have greater capacities for empathy, and intimacy, and complex thought than I ever had in college. And, through pain and struggle, I've become a better father and husband and son and human being.

And yet, even after all these years, I still have this sinking suspicion that the ghost of my college self still haunts my life. So what’s a guy to do? Well, thanks to M. Night Shyamalan, I actually have the answer to that one. I must first bring it to the ghost’s attention that he actually died some time ago. And I must then help him with any unfinished business. Okay, well, here goes nothing…

Dear College Mike,

We had some great times back in the day but, in case you haven't noticed the lack of ivy-clad buildings and frat houses, I guess I should let you know that college came to an end some time ago. But still, you seem always to be there, over my shoulder, reminding me of a time when life was easier and when I was, maybe, a better person. And the fact of the matter is that, yes, college was, and always will be, one of the best times of my life. And you were definitely more confident and idealistic and pure than the adult me. But here's the thing. While those were all great qualities to have at that time in my life, you also had some serious limitations. You hadn't faced adversity, you didn't know yourself, you were overly accommodating and, underneath it all, you were scared. The fact of the matter is that I couldn't have stayed in the safe confines of State College forever. And expanding my world was going to require change. I was going to have to become more self-aware, introspective, and less certain. And that was unfortunately going to mean becoming less confident and less idealistic. In a word, less innocent. 

The real problem, though is this imaginary divide I've created in my lifespan. My lung collapsed not too long after college, and ever since that moment, it has felt like there were two me's. That naive and happy optimist, and this informed, anxious realist. And it's this belief that you are some sort of irretrievable past self that has made you become this external ghost in my life, rather than an integrated part of who I am. The truth of the matter is that my life has always been a continuous line, and you've always been a part of who I am. So, college Mike, I'm formally welcoming you back into this body. You and the new me have a lot to learn from one another. And I have a feeling the best Mike is yet to come. Because optimism and confidence, when mixed with knowledge and experience, can make for an incredibly deep adulthood.

So welcome back. You've been missed.

Much Love,

Your Adult Self

There was something there...

In anticipation of my next post, I wanted to share the following song by Maria Taylor. I have my wife to thank for introducing me to this beautiful song, which pretty much perfectly captures how we both like to remember our (all too brief) years at Penn State. Up next I'll be talking about why it was necessary to move on and to change but, until then, enjoy the nostalgia...

Lyrics for Two of Those Too 

by Maria Taylor

There was a time two fearless minds
Well we packed up for a new place
A college town with a musical sound
And everyone had a new face
There was something there
Maybe it was the trees
Or the flowery air
Or that everyone seemed so glad
They were there
And we were two of those too
We were two of those too

We got a house in between a homeless shelter
And a coffee shop
We painted the walls until we couldn't reach
I said, "It looks cool this way, let's stop."

There were always people there
Maybe it was the music
We played on the record player
Or that everyone seemed so glad
They were there
And we were two of those too
We were two of those too

And those were the times
The quietest days
We'll sit and smile and remember
Nothing could feel the same
We were so free
We were in each passing second

And you can't sustain anything
Everything must change
So be thankful for everything
And I am
I am
I am

What It Meant To Me

I first got into hardcore punk when I was around 17. It was the early 90s and an awesome time to be into the music.  Bands like Life of Agony, Earth Crisis, H20, V.O.D., and Snapcase were hitting their peaks and packing little clubs all over the northeast. To understand the allure, one needs only to check out the energy and insanity of these clips:

 

But besides the fun of the shows, there were other reasons that I grew to love this music. For one, it was like finding a secret world. This was before the rise of the internet (a more civil age), and there were not many people who actually knew about hardcore. It wasn’t spoon fed to you by some DJ. You had to actually go to shows and get flyers in order to learn about the bands. The other thing about 90s hardcore that really got me was the lyrics. Bands were singing (er, screaming) about environmentalism, anti-consumerism, non-conformity and a lot of other positive values. With all of waste, greed and apathy of our culture, it was exciting to find all of these young people who were engaging (or, more appropriately, disengaging) with the world on this meaningful level. And the lyrical message worked for me at the time because it was presented in such a black and white package. It was all good vs. bad, us. vs. them. With adolescence being a developmental stage characterized by black and white thinking, and the defining of one's morals and values, hardcore music was very appealing.

So, fast forward 18 years or so, and here I am still keeping up with those bands who have stuck around, and occasional discovering a new band that's worth listening to. But, it's such a different experience. As an adult who has considerably expanded my mind since I first got into hardcore, it's pretty much impossible to sing along to the rebellious and morally-certain lyrics with any sort of sincerity. Mature adult thought involves living, and finding comfort, in the shades of gray. It's about being in touch with one's principles and values, but applying them to the real world in a flexible, solution-oriented, and non-judgmental way. 

So hardcore music...not so useful to me as an adult. And I guess that brings me to the bigger question for this post…what do we do with those things that once served an important role in our lives, but are still lingering around in somewhat counterproductive ways? To put it simply, I think we make the effort to re-evaluate, and change, our relationship with those things. So why does hardcore music still exist in my life? Well, on a positive note, I genuinely like the sound of 90s hardcore. There were actually quite a few good bands, musically speaking, from that scene. And for that reason alone, I'm sure I'll always have a few hardcore albums on rotation. But, hardcore is also a nostalgic remnant from a period of my life that I have idealized over the years. And, here is where my relationship with the music could use a bit of an adjustment. Why I have idealized my late adolescence is a topic for another post, but what’s important is that those years weren’t as great as I like to remember. And, as far as the hardcore scene goes, while it may have been pretty freaking cool at the time, it was also kind of silly. All of the cliques and trends (straight-edge, vegan, etc. etc.), the preaching, the sanctimony, and the seriousness: it was a bit overbearing. And, as much as that music helped a lot of kids like myself survive their childhoods, the scene also tended to prevent a lot of kids from growing up, with its tendency towards hard line slogans like "stay true" and "young 'til I die." So, in the spirit of growing up, I'm hereby declaring that it's totally okay to get all nostalgic and teary-eyed when it comes to my late adolescent hardcore fascination (hell, it was a great time), but there is no need, and no grounding, for any sort of idealization. 

So, will I still be listening to hardcore? Definitely. Will I be getting the new Earth Crisis CD on July 12th? Hell yes. But, I will be doing so while still moving forward. And that means putting the music in it's proper place...as a small, but important part of my past, and a fun, idiosyncratic part of my present. And, regarding some of those overly simplistic lyrics, well I think they can be taken with a grain of salt. And, for those bands who actually had lyrics with a more complex perspective, I still might sing along with some real, adult heart. So, here's a couple of lists to close up my thoughts.

1. Hardcore playlist for adolescent nostalgia (don't think too deeply please)

Battery
Biohazard
Bloodlet
Damnation A.D.
Deadguy
Earth Crisis
Hatebreed
Integrity
Most Precious Blood
Mouthpiece
One King Down
Strife
Vision of Disorder (V.O.D.)

2. Hardcore playlist not completely antithetical to a thinking adult mind:
Burn
By the Grace of God
Converge
Fugazi
Grade
H2O
Ignite
Life of Agony
Lifetime
Shelter
Sick of it All
Snapcase
Threadbare
108

Growing Up......Musically

I recently watched a great documentary called Blood into Wine. It follows Maynard Keenan, the front man of Tool, as he works on developing a vineyard in the Arizona desert. If you’ve seen the movie, it’s relevance to this blog is apparent. Maynard is a guy who spent the greater part of his early adulthood screaming angry lyrics against Christianity, materialism, and conformity. The fact that he has recently taken to farming grapes on a peaceful vineyard in Arizona between tours is a testament to my goals for this blog. Maynard's life shows that we don’t have to confine ourselves to societal expectations and established roles, and that even as adults, we can reinvent ourselves and evolve. So, Mr. Maynard Keenan, metal icon and wine counisour, this post is for you.

Now onto the real reason I bring up the documentary, which is to reflect on a quote that Maynard makes in the film. In speaking about heavy music, he states “

“I write these songs to move through some pain or work out these issues; and if i'm successful in my art, in my expression; I shouldn't feel the same as I did when I wrote those songs anymore -- the problem with the music industry in general is that artists get into it because they have a desire to be desired and a desire to scream their heads off for whatever happened to them in the past; if you don't eventually feel better, then I'm not sure how effective your screaming was and how its going to help somebody else -- if the songs don't help me, how are they going to help you?”

I love what Maynard is getting at here, because while metal, hardcore, and punk are in some respects just genres of music, they are also the result of some serious emotional issues on the part of musicians and fans. I know because I’ve been there. I may not have known it at the time but when I was in high school and first getting into metal, I was sort of angry. I was getting picked by other kids, and no one in school or church or on the television seemed to be talking about anything that really mattered. And then I got introduced to this secret world of metal and hardcore, and these dudes were singing and screaming about things that actually made sense to me. They were talking about feeling isolated, and questioning authority, and thinking for oneself, and rejecting all of the world's lies and hypocrisy. Great stuff for any angry adolescent with half a brain. The only problem, and I think this is what Maynard is getting at, is that there ends up being all of this incentive to stay pissed off. Because it’s a lot cooler to hold onto the anger and keep screaming than it is to have to talk about your real feelings, all of the hurt and depression that lies beneath. And here’s where, as a more developed, intelligent adult, I have to take issue with the aggressive music I grew up with. Underneath all of those insightful lyrics, there is a lot of oppressive masculinity that perpetuates the whole “men don’t talk about any feelings other than anger” sort of thing, which, by extension, is related to violence, oppression, war, and lots of other stuff that I don't like.

So, I’m using this post to officially declare that I will from this day forward be working on being a more reformed and healthy metalhead. At the moment I still listen to a lot of silly, pissed off bands just because they’re “hardcore” or “heavy,” or just nostalgic in some way. And it’s just not a healthy thing, because it involves holding onto the past even when, in the present, I’m not so angry anymore. So I’m going to be a little more thoughtful about what I’m listening to and what kind of music represents me in the present. There are definitely some heavy bands that I still want to be a part of my life. Bands just like Tool, who don’t exist solely out of adolescent anger, but whose music and lyrics can actually fit with a healthy adulthood. So, with Maynard’s words in mind, here are a few heavy bands that are still relevant to a mature, adult identity.

A Perfect Circle

Converge

Deftones

Fugazi

Nine Inch Nails

Slayer (Okay, so maybe this choice isn't especially mature, but how could I not include Slayer?)

Soulfly

Tool

I should also add that I'm a pretty eclectic music fan. So future posts will be discussing not only the bands above, but pretty much everything from Indie Rock to Hip Hop to Classical.

Some Thoughts on Erik Erikson

This begins a series of posts detailing my thoughts on the process of adult development.

I have always been fascinated and attracted to the stages of psychosocial development put forth by the psychologist Erik Erikson. Erikson was "the man" not only for his model, which is still relevant today, but also for achieving prominence in the fields of psychoanalysis and developmental psychology without so much as a bachelor’s degree. For anyone not familiar with his stages, here’s a look…

Erikson believed that we all go through a set of predictable stages across the lifespan and at each of these stages are faced with a specific conflict that must be resolved.

   1. Infancy: Birth to 18 months

·         Trust vs. Mistrust: In response to our environment, we either develop trust in others and a belief that our actions matter, or mistrust and a general sense of worthlessness.

   2. Early Childhood: 18 months to 3 years

·         Autonomy vs. Shame: As we work to master new skills such as toilet training and walking, we can develop either positive self-esteem, or shame and doubt.

   3. Play Age: 3-5 years

·         Initiative vs. Guilt: As we achieve greater autonomy, we either develop increased initiative to meet our own needs, or guilt over having those needs and desires.

   4. School Age: 6-12 years

·         Industry vs. Inferiority: As we branch out from the family into school and peer groups, we either become confident in our new abilities or develop feelings of inadequacy.

   5. Adolescence: 12-18 years

·         Identity vs. Role Confusion: As we enter adolescence, we are faced with the challenge of understanding ourselves apart from others. Erikson believed that we either develop a personal "identity" or risk developing role confusion and an "identity crisis."

   6. Young Adulthood: 18-35 years

·         Intimacy vs. Isolation: As we search for satisfying adult relationships (through marriage, work, or otherwise), we either experience real intimacy with others (which includes appreciating both the similarities and differences between ourselves and others) or fail to develop satisfying relationships. We may force others to be more like us in order to create the illusion of intimacy or begin to distance ourselves by, for example, developing feelings of superiority towards others.

   7. Middle Adulthood: 35-65

·         Generativity vs. Self Absorption: As we begin to gain real power and control over our lives and futures, we are either able to care for others and contribute to the betterment of society, or become increasingly self-absorbed.

   8. Late Adulthood: 65 to death

·         Integrity vs. Despair: With the work of Middle Adulthood complete, this stage is less about preparing ourselves for the future, as it is about coming to terms with the past. We can either look back on our lives with a sense of contribution and happiness or become consumed by our perceived failures and lack of purpose.

My primary focus for this post is Erikson's view of adolescence as a time for resolving the identity vs. role confusion conflict. My guess is that Erikson would have taken one look at my blog and labeled me a victim of an identity crisis. Here, though, I might have to take issue with Mr. Erikson. Taking a closer look at his definition, he described identity as

"a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, paired with some belief in the sameness and continuity of some shared world image. As a quality of un-self conscious living, this can be gloriously obvious in a young person who has found himself as he has found his communality. In him we see emerge a unique unification of what is irreversibly given--that is, body type and temperament, giftedness and vulnerability, infantile models and acquired ideals--with the open choices provided in available roles, occupational possibilities, values offered, mentors met, friendships made, and first sexual encounters."

As a lifelong wanderer, I can’t help but see the draw of Erikson’s notion of identity. To completely know on a deep unconscious level one’s strengths and weaknesses, ideals and values, and role in society, and to understand this all in the context of both how we view ourselves and how others perceive us…is there any doubt as to the calming effect this would have on the psyche? And while I completely agree that we should all be striving to achieve this level of continuity and knowledge in our lives, I must also question Erikson on a few levels. 1) The idea that we should all successfully achieve an "identity" by the age of 18 seems an outdated concept, particularly in this whacked out modern age where we are overwhelmed with information, can fly to India or China in a less than a day, and must adapt to relatively constant change. As a result, I believe that identity formation may be more of a lifelong process (requiring work and attention throughout the lifespan) than a concrete task. 2) Maintaining a certain level of developmental capacity as an adult may be a virtue in a world where, at any moment, one may have to adapt to change (whether through experiencing a life-changing injury or gaining a new piece of information that challenges ones’ views). In such situations, relying on the tried and true identity can cause suffering, whereas personal evolution and reinvention can bring one to greater health and functioning. In short, maybe there is something to be said for knowing thyself, but not knowing thyself too well. 3) Finally, I would add that Erikson’s view of identity development focuses too much on how one navigates the available options (“available roles, occupational possibilities, values offered”). I don’t think he leaves enough room for self-exploration and creation. For many, the available options are limiting and oppressive, and a healthy identity must flow from the inside out.

These are all minor points of disagreement, since overall I really like Erikson’s model. Basically, I just think that developing an adaptive identity in today’s world requires much more time and attention than his model gives credit. Thus this blog. I’ll be revisiting this topic in the future, and maybe even working on a model for adult development based on my own experiences. In the meantime, I think some less intellectual posts are in order.

Why This Blog?

Because the old molds have never worked for me: I’ve never been the sort of person who fits neatly into any of those prefabricated group identities out there. Not for a lack of effort of course. As a kid, there was the painful summer that I tried becoming a skater. And then the year that I fancied myself a painter. And of course there was that fateful summer when I tried out for the football team. By the end of it all, I had become some sort of philosophizing, literature-reading, head-banging, football playing, camp counselor. By college, I'd sort of lost any hope of cohesion, so I just kept expanding. I got into environmental and social causes, and I got into hardcore punk music, and I traveled to Spain in order to learn Spanish and drink lots of beer. Along the way, I embraced each of these aspects of myself, but never I allowed any of them to somehow define me. It's not that I don't envy those who can proudly embrace a label like Christian, or Democrat, or Accountant, or Shark, or Jet, or whatever. It definitely relieves the anxiety that comes from living with uncertainty and resisting conformity. But that option is just not in the cards for me, because the more I conform the worse I feel. The more I try to fit myself into some sort of prefabricated group identity or carbon-copy lifestyle, the more I'm left feeling empty and numb. So, with this realization comes the knowledge that being me and feeling good about myself requires work and attention. This blog, then, is to remind myself of, and affirm, all that is me. 

Because knowing thyself post-college takes work: Going to college was both a blessing and a curse. The benefits are obvious. My four (and a half) years gave me with the time and space to develop my mind, read, travel, and meet intelligent and inspiring people. But there is definitely a downside to experiencing the freedom to develop one's mind, because the real world doesn’t work quite like a college classroom. Sure, in college, professors provide you with endless readings and lectures and encourage you to develop unique and exciting ideas of your own (supported by some level of evidence of course). But out here in the real world, people don’t always take too kindly to free thinking, and evidence isn’t particularly valued. And then you have all of that pressure to conform that comes from your job, the media, and even friends and family. Ben Harper may have put it best when he said you have to "fight for your mind." This blog is about giving myself the freedom and the space to know my own mind as an adult.

Because my twenties were complicated by pain: At the age of 22, my lung collapsed spontaneously (a topic for another post), and I received a corrective lung surgery. As a result, I’ve been living with chronic pain ever since. And all of that exploration that I describe above one day just stopped. Ages 22 through 30 were pretty much defined by my awareness that something wasn’t quite right with my body. I had trouble breathing, and was tired all of the time, and I developed severe anxiety and depression. I must have just believed that the pain was inevitable after having experienced a life-threatening injury and having been cut open by doctors, because I chose to ignore it rather than address it. It wasn’t until it became unbearable a few years ago that I actually went to see some doctors and learned that my entire torso had become twisted from years of improper breathing, poor posture, and existential anxiety. In the years since, I’ve become fanatically devoted to improving my health. And now that I’m actually feeling better, and my head is becoming clear, it's time to clean out the closet, so to speak.

Because I’m still stuck in my youth: I don’t consider myself an adult yet (and I use the world “adult” here in the positive sense to mean reaching maturity through successfully passing through earlier developmental stages). I haven’t completely let go of my younger years, and in fact I sometimes idealize them. And consequently, I also haven’t completely embraced adulthood. This blog is partly about letting go of past, and living in the present reality. 

Because adulthood can really suck: Something weird happens to people as they get older. They get mean. And they get fearful, and paranoid, and distrustful, and hateful. (note: I’m including myself as one of those people). And it’s all related to how people feel on the inside. This blog is about feeling better on the inside and escaping the negativity trap of adulthood.