Living as an Individual in Community with Others

Living an adult life that is creative and true to one's self can be an anxiety provoking task in a world of conformity. Around every turn there is pressure to hold a certain view or adopt a certain lifestyle. And this pressure only seems to increase as one enters into adulthood. There is this pesky myth floating around that growing up entails outgrowing your ideals, losing your imagination, and accepting the status quo reality of someone else.

So what’s a free thinking young adult to do? Fall in line and die a slow death of the mind and soul? Or maybe just cut off relations with those who would force conformity? Well, to the rescue comes one of America's greatest dead White psychiatrists. Enter Murray Bowen.

Back in 1978 Bowen developed what just might be the blueprint for developing adults in the modern world. His observations of family dynamics over the years led him to identify the ways in which individuals are able to maintain a healthy balance of autonomy and togetherness. He called this process the "differentation of self." For those unfamiliar with the term, here's a quick rundown. 

Differentation of Self: The ideal state of emotional maturation. Individuals who have achieved a perfect differentiation of self...

• Can sustain an individual identity that is separate from others. They do not need to conform themselves to others. Nor do they need to force others to conform to themselves. 
• Can sustain relationships that are based on true intimacy, defined as a mutual appreciation of both the similarities and differences of one another.
• Make decisions based on self knowledge and reflection. Whether they choose to go along with others or act on their own, it is because they are making the choice to do so, not because they are reacting emotionally out of resentfulness, fear, or a need for acceptance.
• Can support someone else's view without having to identify with that person, and reject another's view without becoming hostile towards that person. 

Bowen was the first to admit that no one could ever achieve a perfect differentiation of self. But he also understood the importance of establishing idealized goals for the self and for society. And in a world that seems to grow in complexity and diversity with each passing day, a new model may be exactly what we all need. Because growing up isn't the same anymore. It's no longer about being indoctrinated into a tribe...nor is it about becoming some sort of impervious, self-sufficient automaton. It's become something different, something in between. On the one hand, the modern adult must have a strong sense of self, if he or she is to maintain a healthy self-esteem in the face of opposition from family, friends, and the media. And yet, the modern adult must also be able to develop real, intimate relationships with people who have vastly different experiences and perspectives. This may sound like a near impossible task, but having a model makes it a little bit easier. And, as has become my modus operandi for this blog, here's a list of some keys to developing greater differentation of self...

• First and foremost, continue to make the effort, like I am doing with this blog, to affirm my identity and develop a vision for myself apart from others.
• Do not let the criticism and opinions of others intimidate me or affect my self esteem. My actions will never really satisfy those who want to force conformity. And those people who would pressure me to be more like them are likely having their own problems differentiating.
• And, with these first two points in mind, go out and develop adult relationships that are based on mutual positive regard and acceptance. Do not see difference as a threat and conformity as the goal. Keep lines of communication open with those who have wanted to change me, just in case they one day grow up and learn to tolerate difference.